Time

I seem to be losing track of time.

Everything just comes so very fast now, but it all seems to happen at such a slow pace. How is this even possible? I'm actually awake most of the day, so that can't really be it. Perhaps it's because I consider my day over after 3rd period. I have so many fun classes in a row after that, that it just all kind of melds together. One might think that having English 9th would damper the day for me, but it really doesn't. Yeah, that class is intimidating, and the workload is enormous, but it's just so damn fufilling.

That's why I'm writing these posts. I can't wait to blog nowadays. It's all Faulkner's fault. Everything just makes so much sense and yet none at all, all at the same time.

I love the Oxford English Dictionary. I love that the password and the username are the same. I just looked up damper and enormous, to make sure I was using/spelling them correctly(respectively). And I learned something from it. Not that I cared that much how to spell enormous, but I learned how it first was used. " Deviating from ordinary rule or type; abnormal, unusual, extraordinary, unfettered by rules; hence, mostly in bad sense, strikingly irregular, monstrous, shocking."

How enormous.

How does stuff like that happen? How do we deviate from the ordinary rule or type? How did this word, enormous, go from meaning what it did back then, in the 1500's (thanks again OED), to what it means now. Abnormal to big is a pretty big leap. I suppose it's fate. I suppose it's weird.

Think about that.

I like cliffhangers.

Spider solitaire

I've become addicted to Spider solitaire once again.

All I do when I wanna procrastinate anymore is play Spider. It's awful, because I end up restarting the game a half million times before I actually ever finish a game (let alone get past the first deal).

I should have done more homework, but I'm too braindead right now.

I had a dress rehersal for band/chorus from 5:15 til about 9. It kinda sucked. I wish my chorus could actually sing sometimes.

Today was a strange day. I got lucky with some stuff, but I'm not so sure how much I deserve it. I am definitely happy about it, and don't want it to change, but still. Even though it makes sense, I still feel guilty. I don't wanna make anybody sad.

It was really surprising to me how true the statement that I said before was. That I was getting used to having happiness taken away from me once I got a taste of it. I'm sure it's gonna happen again someday because that's just how things work out. But I realized how I had been dealing with shit. That was right after school. I was walking through the hallway away from my locker, a place where I sometimes have some kind of profound, depressing, excited, hurried, something kind of thought.

I really like stream of consciousness writing, especially if it's done well. Like Faulkner. He's one damn genius.

Though I felt pretty dumb when I found out that I was the only one in class who handn't realized she was pregnant.
I wish I had done that journal.
Now I probably won't get into college.

Up until maybe 5:30, the high point in my day had been figuring out how to make a working, moving walk cycle in my animation class. Nobody else had thought of that (at least not in the class) and my teacher thought it was really cool. So did I.
It made all of those wasted days actually mean something.

I will never drink Dr. Pepper at 8:30 in the morning again. I needed some caffeine, and I was thirsty. But it made me feel so sick. And it gave me a headache that I still have. Heartburn too.
I should carry tums around at school.

This was the most random post ever.

I don't know what's going on in my head anymore.

I really hate irrationality.

La segunda

Soy la segunda.
Nadie quiere la segunda.
Espero que alguien quise la segunda, pero no esta possible.

Y esta bien.

Por que esta en Espanol?
Porque me encanta la lengua.
Porque las personas que lee este no entienda este lengua,
como la segunda.
Porque si alguien le importa suficiente, puede traducirla, o preguntarme.

Trate de hacer todo que puedo. Quiero que trabaje. No estoy seguro de calquiera. Pero, pienso que el no va a ser mio.

Porque yo soy la segunda.

La segunda es importante,
pero todavía es la segunda.
No Primera.

Wishlist

I wish nothing were as complicated as it is.
I wish my bike weren't broken.
I wish that we still had ice cream.
I wish I had gotten some of it.
I wish I didn't have a whole lot of homework to do.
I wish I had some new notifications on facebook.
I wish that my dad wouldn't come home.
I wish I were better at talking.
I wish I didn't always deny myself.
I wish I denied myself more.
I wish that I could play the bass better.
Espero que no haya la segunda por siempre.
I wish I were actually a good writer.
I wish I could draw.
I wish I could go shopping and actually buy something.
I wish I had less to wish for.
I wish that I were a better friend.
I wish I could find some good music.
I wish I could write some good music.
I wish I had a talent.
I wish she were happy.
I wish I could see Sarah.
I wish I could find my ankh earrings.
I wish I could sing.
I wish he were happy.
I wish there were somewhere to go.
I wish nobody would find me.
I wish somebody would find me.
I wish I could actually say what I've felt for so long.
I wish I were still the only one who had my licence.
I wish I were special in some kind of way.
I wish I were prettier.
I wish I weren't so fucked up.
I wish I could speak Japanese.
I wish I could drive and not stop driving.
I wish my house were powered by wind power.
I wish I had inspiration.
I wish I were honest.
I wish I weren't repetitive and boring.
I wish that he wouldn't see this and be worried.
I wish he wouldn't think it were his fault.
I wish it weren't mine.

Reflection

I am so terrible at writing reflections.

Most of it starts because I can never find any kind of idea for an introduction. I'm a big fan of the whole, one sentence then jump right in kinda thing. Why stall to get to the heart of the argument, right?

But I know this isn't necessairly the right way to go. An introduction is something completely necessary. It gives a nod to the rest of the paper, while still keeping enough mystery for the reader...
Bullshit.

I don't give a shit about that. I've learned so much in my English class this year, but this is just somethign that I can not do. I don't care about introductions, so why should I put them in a reflection?

If I could only skip the introduction I would probably be done with this stupid thing by now. I know I should just skip the damn thing and come back to it later, but then I can't come up with anything else.

I also don't like reflecting on myself, and writing it out. Ironic, right? Well, I suppose that's kinda been what I've been reaching for this entire year. To be able to just let loose and speak my mind. Well, I just don't work that way. And it really sucks. I want to be able to talk. I want to be able to just say whatever the hell comes to my mead. And things have been getting better, but it still seems to just get some kind of...roadblock after a while. And I know exactly why. It's because of my low as hell self-esteem. I've been censoring myself for probably three years now, and I want to stop. It was only recently that I figured this all out, and I've been trying my hardest to stop it. But it's just not coming as easily as I would have hoped.

It's getting better around people that I'm comfortable with. And I've always still been there around the right people. But I want to sound intelligent or...whatever around certain people. I want to impress them, and to not say something stupid or awkward, which just makes my personality, which is supposed to be silly and fun sound awkward whenever it actually comes out.

They saw it the other day. The true taste appeared for them. I only wish I could always make it work.

Muzak

I think my life should have a soundtrack. There are definitely some very specific songs that I can pick out for moments or eras in my life. Some that come to mind that were kinda much more relevant over a month or so ago are "I'm not that Girl" and "Nothing came out". I'm not so sure what the one that would fit now is...

I've been listening to Pain almost constantly lately. Both albums. Like, every night.
I always liked them, but it's only recently that I realized just how damn great their music is. Like, it's really well orchestrated and stuff.
I'm a geek.

I wish that things had been better this weekend. I made so many mistakes. Today was fun though.

I can't stop thinking of this one time when I was at a friend's house and her bunnies had sex. They wouldn't stop twitching.

I don't like how jealous I get. No, better yet, I hate it. I know it's there, and I can rationalize it away kinda. But only kinda. I'm good at hiding it, but the Id likes to take over sometimes. At least my mind.

I wish that I didn't get nervous at the most inopportune times. I have the worst time coming up with things to say. I always need to think things out and write them down for anything to be at all coherent. I can do shows and stuff no problem, but that's because I already know the music. But when it comes to speaking or anything that requires quick thought I just freeze.

I also wish I could just turn off my mind sometimes.

Some people can. Why not me?

(Great line- "Even superheroes once were losers." thanks, Pain)

Mistakes

I made a mistake today

Everything was going so well...Everyone was happy, things were seemingly looking up.
They had been lately.

But I made everybody wait. I'm tired of making everybody wait. Especially since I know how hard it is to have to wait. And I know who's gonna see this. And I know they don't want me to say sorry anymore,

but guess what?

IT'S MY FUCKING FAULT

If anybody is ever upset, I know it's my fault. And believe me, I feel the damn guilt. I feel guilty all the fucking time (especially when I say fuck half a million times).

I'm gonna regret posting this, and I know it. But I don't care. I want it to be more personal, but it can't be. I'm just so tired of seeing people sad because of me. Because of what I've done.
I don't even care if it's not my fault anymore. I just don't want my friends, or anybody (especially somebody) to be sad. Ever.

I could take the hit for them.

Just try and find me

Yeah, I've already posted and deleted.

Nobody needs to find that other post. That was just me being a freak

I'm not really sure why I do that kind of thing. I'll write something risky, something that I'm dying for someone to find, but at the same time hope nobody ever sees it. Maybe the risk is why I do it. It's some kind of chance that I'm taking, because I don't take many real chances in life.

That needs to be fixed.

Hitting rock bottom is always a good thing. Then you know which way is up. If you're always just sinking, you can't tell if you're swimming up or down. Not if the water is cloudy and dark.

That was fucking poetic! Yeah!