Nothin

I haven't blogged in a while.

And I'm not gonna apologize to anyone but myself, because this isn't just some sort of serial for someone to read and follow along with the story.
No, this was intended to be for me. A place where I could actually express myself since I have so many issues doing that on my own.

I wish I had been blogging more, however. Because it really was starting to help me see how things relate to one another, how words can be the most and least expressive modes on the planet. For us humans anyway.

I just read City of Glass by Paul Auster. I had read Oracle Night last summer for summer reading, and just loved it. Didn't know why I loved it or anything, but I did. City of Glass is actually a graphic novel that I found at my sister's house and got super excited about because it was a graphic novel by Auster, and thought that my English teacher might like to see it. But of course I never got around to reading it over the year so I never showed him.
But I finally read it on account of self-banishing myself to my room over the past couple of weeks in order to avoid more people screaming at me. And I read it. It was...amazing.
I really do think that my English teacher would like to see it if he hasn't already. Because it would fit just perfectly into the curriculum.
I really like that a few months ago, maybe a year or so, I would have been so confused by it. I would know it was good, but think that some of the more modernist elements in it were just weird to be weird.

Thank God I read Faulkner...

read was the only word in that sentence that wasn't capitalized.

I feel really bad about the promise that I made. I said that this would be the best summer ever. But I've just been too depressed and moody and stupid and angry and whatever to do anything about it. All I've done was be pissed off about little things that don't really matter in the long run. I should just be happy. I should just be grateful. And believe me, I am. But I still can't help feeling a bit selfish in that I'm not getting the most out of everything.

And yes I know that I am being vague.

But that doesn't matter to me because I'm writing this for myself.

I'm so damn tired of getting guilt tripped just about once a month. Seems to be on quite the schedule though. But whatever. She may love him, but I don't. I say "I love you" because there's nothing better to say. But I know that that isn't what it is. And I don't need to repeat that whole rant, that whole philosophy again.
But really, it isn't some set thing, and it's not fair for anyone to compare it. You can't say "I love you more" or "I love you unconditionally" and say that someone else doesn't. You can't be inside of someone's head.

I just wish I knew more about what was actually going on. I wish I could actually say that I completely believed that all of those events happened so that he disappeared for a few extra hours the other day. And I wish I could actually believe him on why the condom was suddenly gone right after that. I'm not saying that he's lying. All I'm saying is that I have trouble believing it.

I can put events together too.

I may seem like a bumbling idiot, and I may be one some of the time too.

But I can piece things together as good as anyone.
Perhaps more.

Blog

I really feel like I should have something to say.
And I know that I do, but I don't know if I want to say it, of if I could phrase it just right, or if it's something that I could even put into words.

It's probably not.

But at the same time, I'm probably just a coward.

I really wish I could have a moment where I could just feel purely happy. But it seems like there's something that's always weighing me down in some way. I know I've been close...but then again what the hell is happiness anyway? How do I know that I haven't been "happy" if I've never felt anything stronger? Maybe "happiness" is just feeling good for a while. Maybe it doesn't mean that you have to feel completely carefree or whatever, or else it would be called carefree. I'm always going to feel guilt, or anger, or sadness, or something like that because those seem to be the emotions that follow me around all the time.

But then why does the word "happiness" even exist? Isn't it supposed to be some purely good emotion? Something that isn't just "careefree" but something more?

The word exists because you can't describe it. It was made by people who can't feel it, or who haven't felt it. It's like love. I really don't like words like that. Happy, love, hate, whatever. Some "strong emotion." If it's so strong then why do we need a word for it? It's for those of us who don't know what it is. The word is it's description.

I had a clarinet recital and then my family got into a fight.

There are always things like that that happen to me all the time.

The recital actually went really well. But then we didn't get ice cream.

I got through the piece and didn't mess up too badly. That doesn't always happen. I was pretty proud of it. But I didn't get any kind of "good job." All that I got was a lecture about my conversation skills.

And of course there's the guilt. But we all know that story.

English

How true it is that we, as humans, are doomed to resort to words.

I have almost officially finished my year, and with that I have almost finished AP English.

What a fufilling class that was. I have learned so much from it, but not only about reading and such, but about life. I was not expecting that when I signed up for it last year.

I can't write poetry. And as Frost said, I probably shouldn't learn. It's not a medium that I'm all that great at exploring. I can't make people come close to my words like that.
But I can write prose.
And so I will.

I don't think that people ever seem to understand me, at least not by my actions. Which is terrible, because actions are all that really matter. I agree entirely with what Addie said by this point.
Especially on the topic of love.

You can say "I love you" but that means almost nothing. Unfortunately, it's just about the best thing that one can say. But it means nothing. "Love" is just a word that people who can't love came up with. I don't know how I feel, but I know it's not love. I know that because it's not something that can be described with words. I can say it's some kind of strong emotion that I can't get rid of no matter how hard I try. I can say that I don't want to get rid of it and couldn't even if I wanted to. There are so many things I can say.

But they don't really mean anything.
Not to anyone else.
All I can do is bring you close.

People talk about things like Love, True Love, Unconditional Love, Friend Love, Familial Love, but what the hell matters?
None if it is real, not if you can pin it down with a word or two.
I can't say how I feel about my friends like that. I can't say why I "love" them. It's just something. Something that I feel and do.

And I can't say why I "love" him, or that I do. Because that would be a lie. It's an action, not a word. It's an art that can never be fully expressed. Not in words, not in paintings, not in music.

All we can do is bring you close.

We can act it out all we want. It's an action, a feeling.

But we are doomed to resort to words.

Password

I couldn't remember my password >.>

I never realized just how good grapefruit flavoured soda water was.

I wish I had done my homework, but I don't actually care all that much.

I feel quite satisfied right now.

I really don't have much to say...

I should be doing a reflection for English. It's an extremely important one too, so it would be good to do a nice job on it. Plus I feel like it might be beneficial to do it...
It could almost be like a blog...
I just realized how much this is like McCarthy.
I always tend to start with the completely literal,
I don't put stupid symbols or shit like that in.
But if they form on their own, then that's just perfect.
And they will.

I finished reading As I Lay Dying. I think Darl might be schitzophrenic. And I'm just giving him the name Darl, because...Well, it would make the most sense. Kinda anyway.
I really should be writing this in my journal, but I have a feeling my teacher won't really like it if I were to diagnose him like I did with Cash. But I'm pretty sure it's right (like I was with Cash), and it's not even much of a leap. The whole book deals with identity and identity crisises (sp?). And Darl does go nuts at the end. What if the whole thing wasn't real?

But then again, what the hell is real? Am I real? Is anybody else? Are they all just some creation from my mind?
How could that not be possible?

I think the answer is telekenisis.
You master that and you master the world.

And I'm pretty sure I know how.
The trick is in the execution.

Earthbound

I feel like I might have used that as a title before, but I have no idea when I would have.
Doesn't make much sense.

But anyway, I played Earthbound for over 6 hours straight yesterday. It was wonderful. I wish we had gotten to start earlier, but that's just the way it goes, I suppose.
We got to Threed before we had to stop playing. I was hoping we could get to Moonside, and we would have been able to had we started earlier, but we were playing until almost midnight and had to stop.
It was just as awesome that it was in Japanese. Though we lost some of the amazing dialogue, we had some really cool people there who could read most of it. I was thouroughly (I have absolutely no idea how to spell that) impressed.

But I ate way too much yesterday, and too much today after having eaten so much. I feel really gross. Went on the elliptical with the intent of listening to an entire Pain album before I would stop...I got through 2 and a half songs.

I wish I had more willpower. I know that I have SOME, and that if something is really important to me I can stop myself. So why isn't this more important to me. It always gets me down, and I always feel bad afterwards. So many negatives.
I think I'm an addict.
Maybe it's because I'm so alone with it. Nobody seems to tell me "you should do this" or "you can do this" or even "you couldn't do it."
I can't do it just for myself I guess.

Perhaps that's an allegory.
But we don't need to get into that.

That really made a lot of sense. I'm sure I would feel the same way. But she's handling it much better than I'm sure I would. I think it's more than just kind of amazing.

So this is what I'm doing instead of my Junior Theme.
I think this is more important.

I want to say thank you.

I had typed out more, but it's all unnecessary babble.

Thank you.

Torrent

I have spent two days of my computer time downloading a 49 track fan-made album of remixes of Earthbound tracks.

Why would I do something like this? When I could have been doing homework that I really need to do, and that would have saved me a lot of time this weekend, I read up on my Earthbound on Wikipedia and chanced upon the words "Free album, Bound Together." So, being the total geek that I am, I clicked on the link. It had a great picture of Earthbound stuff on the page, and then a link saying "Free Torrent." I've never torrented anything before, so I had to download a program that would let me use it. So I spent 2 hours or so doing all of that, only to discover that I would have to wait another 3 and a half hours to listen to the damn thing.

So, I left it on all night and let it go. And then I didn't get a chance to go on the computer after that until now.

And guess what.
IT'S AMAZING

I had to go through so much work to get it on the pod though. Deleted some old Ben music that I never listened to to make room for it.

Replacing old with old new. I find that interesting.

Why am I so obsessed with nostalgia? Earthbound is a 1994-5 Super Nintendo game. It's not well known, and usually the only way a common person who enjoys video games at least a little would know it is from Super Smash Bros. It's just a cult classic. It's not even my favourite video game.
But it's so weird. Maybe it's because it's so unknown that I love it. Zelda is amazing of course, but most people have played/heard of it. Even people who don't frequent Nintendo so much.

But back to the nostalgia.

Why does it matter so much to me? Why am I living back in the 90's?
Maybe it's because I'm the youngest. I got to see quite a bit of high school from my sisters, and that's when they were in it. And it seemed so...amazing coming from them. Maybe that's what I wanted.
Who knows?
And probably, who the hell cares?

I don't like forgetting things. Who wants to forget? It makes little sense to me. If you forget then you don't learn. And while some things may have sucked, I think it just makes you who you are if you remember, or try to remember everything that has happened in your past.
Even if I wish some things had not happened, I hope I never forget them.
Even if they make me sad, or jealous, or angry, or whatever, I want my memories to linger. As long as possible.

The past is too important to me.
Without the past there is no future.

Acen

It was fun. What more can I say?

I wish I had bought more, which is strange for me to say. Usually it's "Why did I spend so much money?"

Which I guess is an allegory. That I've lost, or at least am losing prior...I guess morals (though I don't think that's quite the right word).

But I'm not so sure how bad that is.

I'm not so sure about a lot of things lately.
And I'm sorry this syntax is so screwy.

I just realized a kid from St. Francis isn't blocked on my buddy list, and I really have no idea how that happened. I specifically remember going and blocking all of them

It's weird how that part of my life seems to mean nothing now. Given how shitty it was, one might think it would mean more to me. Maybe it does, and maybe it has effected me a lot more than I can tell. But nowadays I barely give that place a second thought.
And of course there are reasons about why.

I hate that I complain so much. I have so few real reasons to.
But I wish I were more fun. I wish that people actually wanted to be around me. That they would invite me places without me having to call them first. And this isn't meant to be specifically to a certain person, just in general. Usually I have to invite myself places, or else people would go on about their daily life. They wouldn't care that I wasn't there.
But why would they? Really? I'm not that interesting or fun, at least not anymore. I don't do anything crazy, and I'm much more inhibited than I used to be.
And it all sucks, because I'm pretty sure I know why, but I just can't fix it.
I wish I had been there in the past. I wish I had been a bigger part of the lives of people who have made such a big impact on my life. But no.
The past has sucked.
So why do I love it so much?