Outline

I know I should be doing my sentence outline. That was pretty much the main reason why I couldn't do much stuff today. But if I didn't get this done first I wouldn't be able to concentrate much.

It was so fun. Like, everything about it, even when I was a total idiot and started freaking out. I almost broke down the door. But then I came to my senses, gave up, and it actually worked out ok.

And then the dance was fun. Normally dances aren't that great, but I suppose it depends on who you're with. If you're gonna dance, you both have to be having fun, and when we were dancing I think we were having fun. I was. I enjoy being a total buzzkill and slow dancing to shitty fast songs. And then fast dancing to the slow ones. And competitions are fun.

But that wasn't dancing.

I'm also never doing helium again. Didn't even work, and made me feel like total crap. Suppose that says how my body reacts to stuff that fucks with your head (and lungs I guess). There's my official excuse on why I won't do pot.

I wish the pictures had meant more. Like, I wanted them to be so happy, something that I could look back on and remember all the hope and happiness that was supposed to be there. But all I'm gonna feel is how I kew what was coming. My family's just gonna think I'm a total failure about all this stuff. And I don't even wanna say this cus I don't want to make anyone feel guilty or weird or anything. But they all think he's great. "Oh, he treats you so great, and you seem just so happy now." And it's so true. I've been more talkitive, in a generally better mood, and more like me around my FAMILY. That never happens.

It's funny how inspiration works.

I could post my causal paper here. It would be a great source to cite to help proove my point.
I wish I had something to fight for. I wish I didn't know she had the upper hand and that I know I would just flat out lose. Then maybe I would at least think I have a chance, and a reason to try. Sometimes I wish I weren't as perceptive as I am. That I didn't have the strong logic thing going on in my head. I know how I pride myself on that, that I have what I consider to be basic reasoning skills. But if I didn't then maybe I would be more inspired. A few days ago I was. I thought I had to fight.

But I know what's coming.
And I know there's no way to change it.
If only, if only.

I could leave it on a cliffhanger, but I don't want to. I want to say everything.
What if I hadn't been "la segunda?"
What if I hadn't been second?
What if I had lacked the decency to go right after him back in August or whenever it was? Like I had this time. Look how that's turning out.
But if I had last time, then this wouldn't have happened. I would have been the one who would be in her place. The one who just made him happy because I loved him and he loved me. How great would that be? My life would be complete.

At the same time though, right now I feel bad for thinking all of this. I knew EXACTLY what I was getting myself into when I started all of this pain for them. So why am I surprised? I suppose I'm not really. Though, I guess the fact that I knew it was all coming doesn't mean it has to make me feel any better. I guess I would say that's pretty legitimate.

But it was all so fun. I wish that he could actually see that. I know we could have fun like that afterwards too. Not everything has to be physical. (though I know that that's there) I could live just being friends. I got my turn. We should all get a turn at being happy at some point. If other people's turns are a little longer, well, that's just the way it goes sometimes. Not always fair, cus it's all just luck or design. but it's ok. That's just the way life is. There are some things you just can't change.

Today was fun too. I like the Pancake House.
But then we talked about stuff.
And then he felt sick.
And then he left.
He was going to be late to her,
and then leave to see X-Men.

My fault.

"A life without pain is a longingless chain of errors repeated again and again"

Thanks Pain