Nothin

I haven't blogged in a while.

And I'm not gonna apologize to anyone but myself, because this isn't just some sort of serial for someone to read and follow along with the story.
No, this was intended to be for me. A place where I could actually express myself since I have so many issues doing that on my own.

I wish I had been blogging more, however. Because it really was starting to help me see how things relate to one another, how words can be the most and least expressive modes on the planet. For us humans anyway.

I just read City of Glass by Paul Auster. I had read Oracle Night last summer for summer reading, and just loved it. Didn't know why I loved it or anything, but I did. City of Glass is actually a graphic novel that I found at my sister's house and got super excited about because it was a graphic novel by Auster, and thought that my English teacher might like to see it. But of course I never got around to reading it over the year so I never showed him.
But I finally read it on account of self-banishing myself to my room over the past couple of weeks in order to avoid more people screaming at me. And I read it. It was...amazing.
I really do think that my English teacher would like to see it if he hasn't already. Because it would fit just perfectly into the curriculum.
I really like that a few months ago, maybe a year or so, I would have been so confused by it. I would know it was good, but think that some of the more modernist elements in it were just weird to be weird.

Thank God I read Faulkner...

read was the only word in that sentence that wasn't capitalized.

I feel really bad about the promise that I made. I said that this would be the best summer ever. But I've just been too depressed and moody and stupid and angry and whatever to do anything about it. All I've done was be pissed off about little things that don't really matter in the long run. I should just be happy. I should just be grateful. And believe me, I am. But I still can't help feeling a bit selfish in that I'm not getting the most out of everything.

And yes I know that I am being vague.

But that doesn't matter to me because I'm writing this for myself.

I'm so damn tired of getting guilt tripped just about once a month. Seems to be on quite the schedule though. But whatever. She may love him, but I don't. I say "I love you" because there's nothing better to say. But I know that that isn't what it is. And I don't need to repeat that whole rant, that whole philosophy again.
But really, it isn't some set thing, and it's not fair for anyone to compare it. You can't say "I love you more" or "I love you unconditionally" and say that someone else doesn't. You can't be inside of someone's head.

I just wish I knew more about what was actually going on. I wish I could actually say that I completely believed that all of those events happened so that he disappeared for a few extra hours the other day. And I wish I could actually believe him on why the condom was suddenly gone right after that. I'm not saying that he's lying. All I'm saying is that I have trouble believing it.

I can put events together too.

I may seem like a bumbling idiot, and I may be one some of the time too.

But I can piece things together as good as anyone.
Perhaps more.

Blog

I really feel like I should have something to say.
And I know that I do, but I don't know if I want to say it, of if I could phrase it just right, or if it's something that I could even put into words.

It's probably not.

But at the same time, I'm probably just a coward.

I really wish I could have a moment where I could just feel purely happy. But it seems like there's something that's always weighing me down in some way. I know I've been close...but then again what the hell is happiness anyway? How do I know that I haven't been "happy" if I've never felt anything stronger? Maybe "happiness" is just feeling good for a while. Maybe it doesn't mean that you have to feel completely carefree or whatever, or else it would be called carefree. I'm always going to feel guilt, or anger, or sadness, or something like that because those seem to be the emotions that follow me around all the time.

But then why does the word "happiness" even exist? Isn't it supposed to be some purely good emotion? Something that isn't just "careefree" but something more?

The word exists because you can't describe it. It was made by people who can't feel it, or who haven't felt it. It's like love. I really don't like words like that. Happy, love, hate, whatever. Some "strong emotion." If it's so strong then why do we need a word for it? It's for those of us who don't know what it is. The word is it's description.

I had a clarinet recital and then my family got into a fight.

There are always things like that that happen to me all the time.

The recital actually went really well. But then we didn't get ice cream.

I got through the piece and didn't mess up too badly. That doesn't always happen. I was pretty proud of it. But I didn't get any kind of "good job." All that I got was a lecture about my conversation skills.

And of course there's the guilt. But we all know that story.

English

How true it is that we, as humans, are doomed to resort to words.

I have almost officially finished my year, and with that I have almost finished AP English.

What a fufilling class that was. I have learned so much from it, but not only about reading and such, but about life. I was not expecting that when I signed up for it last year.

I can't write poetry. And as Frost said, I probably shouldn't learn. It's not a medium that I'm all that great at exploring. I can't make people come close to my words like that.
But I can write prose.
And so I will.

I don't think that people ever seem to understand me, at least not by my actions. Which is terrible, because actions are all that really matter. I agree entirely with what Addie said by this point.
Especially on the topic of love.

You can say "I love you" but that means almost nothing. Unfortunately, it's just about the best thing that one can say. But it means nothing. "Love" is just a word that people who can't love came up with. I don't know how I feel, but I know it's not love. I know that because it's not something that can be described with words. I can say it's some kind of strong emotion that I can't get rid of no matter how hard I try. I can say that I don't want to get rid of it and couldn't even if I wanted to. There are so many things I can say.

But they don't really mean anything.
Not to anyone else.
All I can do is bring you close.

People talk about things like Love, True Love, Unconditional Love, Friend Love, Familial Love, but what the hell matters?
None if it is real, not if you can pin it down with a word or two.
I can't say how I feel about my friends like that. I can't say why I "love" them. It's just something. Something that I feel and do.

And I can't say why I "love" him, or that I do. Because that would be a lie. It's an action, not a word. It's an art that can never be fully expressed. Not in words, not in paintings, not in music.

All we can do is bring you close.

We can act it out all we want. It's an action, a feeling.

But we are doomed to resort to words.

Password

I couldn't remember my password >.>

I never realized just how good grapefruit flavoured soda water was.

I wish I had done my homework, but I don't actually care all that much.

I feel quite satisfied right now.

I really don't have much to say...

I should be doing a reflection for English. It's an extremely important one too, so it would be good to do a nice job on it. Plus I feel like it might be beneficial to do it...
It could almost be like a blog...
I just realized how much this is like McCarthy.
I always tend to start with the completely literal,
I don't put stupid symbols or shit like that in.
But if they form on their own, then that's just perfect.
And they will.

I finished reading As I Lay Dying. I think Darl might be schitzophrenic. And I'm just giving him the name Darl, because...Well, it would make the most sense. Kinda anyway.
I really should be writing this in my journal, but I have a feeling my teacher won't really like it if I were to diagnose him like I did with Cash. But I'm pretty sure it's right (like I was with Cash), and it's not even much of a leap. The whole book deals with identity and identity crisises (sp?). And Darl does go nuts at the end. What if the whole thing wasn't real?

But then again, what the hell is real? Am I real? Is anybody else? Are they all just some creation from my mind?
How could that not be possible?

I think the answer is telekenisis.
You master that and you master the world.

And I'm pretty sure I know how.
The trick is in the execution.

Earthbound

I feel like I might have used that as a title before, but I have no idea when I would have.
Doesn't make much sense.

But anyway, I played Earthbound for over 6 hours straight yesterday. It was wonderful. I wish we had gotten to start earlier, but that's just the way it goes, I suppose.
We got to Threed before we had to stop playing. I was hoping we could get to Moonside, and we would have been able to had we started earlier, but we were playing until almost midnight and had to stop.
It was just as awesome that it was in Japanese. Though we lost some of the amazing dialogue, we had some really cool people there who could read most of it. I was thouroughly (I have absolutely no idea how to spell that) impressed.

But I ate way too much yesterday, and too much today after having eaten so much. I feel really gross. Went on the elliptical with the intent of listening to an entire Pain album before I would stop...I got through 2 and a half songs.

I wish I had more willpower. I know that I have SOME, and that if something is really important to me I can stop myself. So why isn't this more important to me. It always gets me down, and I always feel bad afterwards. So many negatives.
I think I'm an addict.
Maybe it's because I'm so alone with it. Nobody seems to tell me "you should do this" or "you can do this" or even "you couldn't do it."
I can't do it just for myself I guess.

Perhaps that's an allegory.
But we don't need to get into that.

That really made a lot of sense. I'm sure I would feel the same way. But she's handling it much better than I'm sure I would. I think it's more than just kind of amazing.

So this is what I'm doing instead of my Junior Theme.
I think this is more important.

I want to say thank you.

I had typed out more, but it's all unnecessary babble.

Thank you.

Torrent

I have spent two days of my computer time downloading a 49 track fan-made album of remixes of Earthbound tracks.

Why would I do something like this? When I could have been doing homework that I really need to do, and that would have saved me a lot of time this weekend, I read up on my Earthbound on Wikipedia and chanced upon the words "Free album, Bound Together." So, being the total geek that I am, I clicked on the link. It had a great picture of Earthbound stuff on the page, and then a link saying "Free Torrent." I've never torrented anything before, so I had to download a program that would let me use it. So I spent 2 hours or so doing all of that, only to discover that I would have to wait another 3 and a half hours to listen to the damn thing.

So, I left it on all night and let it go. And then I didn't get a chance to go on the computer after that until now.

And guess what.
IT'S AMAZING

I had to go through so much work to get it on the pod though. Deleted some old Ben music that I never listened to to make room for it.

Replacing old with old new. I find that interesting.

Why am I so obsessed with nostalgia? Earthbound is a 1994-5 Super Nintendo game. It's not well known, and usually the only way a common person who enjoys video games at least a little would know it is from Super Smash Bros. It's just a cult classic. It's not even my favourite video game.
But it's so weird. Maybe it's because it's so unknown that I love it. Zelda is amazing of course, but most people have played/heard of it. Even people who don't frequent Nintendo so much.

But back to the nostalgia.

Why does it matter so much to me? Why am I living back in the 90's?
Maybe it's because I'm the youngest. I got to see quite a bit of high school from my sisters, and that's when they were in it. And it seemed so...amazing coming from them. Maybe that's what I wanted.
Who knows?
And probably, who the hell cares?

I don't like forgetting things. Who wants to forget? It makes little sense to me. If you forget then you don't learn. And while some things may have sucked, I think it just makes you who you are if you remember, or try to remember everything that has happened in your past.
Even if I wish some things had not happened, I hope I never forget them.
Even if they make me sad, or jealous, or angry, or whatever, I want my memories to linger. As long as possible.

The past is too important to me.
Without the past there is no future.

Acen

It was fun. What more can I say?

I wish I had bought more, which is strange for me to say. Usually it's "Why did I spend so much money?"

Which I guess is an allegory. That I've lost, or at least am losing prior...I guess morals (though I don't think that's quite the right word).

But I'm not so sure how bad that is.

I'm not so sure about a lot of things lately.
And I'm sorry this syntax is so screwy.

I just realized a kid from St. Francis isn't blocked on my buddy list, and I really have no idea how that happened. I specifically remember going and blocking all of them

It's weird how that part of my life seems to mean nothing now. Given how shitty it was, one might think it would mean more to me. Maybe it does, and maybe it has effected me a lot more than I can tell. But nowadays I barely give that place a second thought.
And of course there are reasons about why.

I hate that I complain so much. I have so few real reasons to.
But I wish I were more fun. I wish that people actually wanted to be around me. That they would invite me places without me having to call them first. And this isn't meant to be specifically to a certain person, just in general. Usually I have to invite myself places, or else people would go on about their daily life. They wouldn't care that I wasn't there.
But why would they? Really? I'm not that interesting or fun, at least not anymore. I don't do anything crazy, and I'm much more inhibited than I used to be.
And it all sucks, because I'm pretty sure I know why, but I just can't fix it.
I wish I had been there in the past. I wish I had been a bigger part of the lives of people who have made such a big impact on my life. But no.
The past has sucked.
So why do I love it so much?

Vibrato

I've been working really hard lately on developing my vibrato.
It shows up sometimes, but only when I'm like, driving alone in my car belting out "A Part of That" while the radio plays something else stupid and irrelevant. Of course it doesn't show up during my voice lessons while I'm singing the same damn song. It makes no sense whatsoever, as I'm completely comfortable around my teacher. Actually, I think he's a really cool guy. He's all into old-school video games (And Zelda just so happens to be his favourite). We had a lesson once when we just talked about games the entire time. It was great, but a total waste of 25 dollars.

How allegorical, right?

I really wish I weren't so awkward around him, or everyone. But my mind always just seems to go blank, and I get nervous for no reason. And then I just start hitting things to be playful, or whatever it is.
It makes making new friends difficult. I'm awkward sometimes around the current ones, but they all rock so much that they wouldn't leave me for that. They just don't like to take me along to meet their other friends. So I feel pretty stuck, because nobody new wants to meet me.

And it makes me feel very unintelligent too. Like I have absolutely no idea what's going on, or what to do, or that my mind just doesn't have anything going on. But I know that's not true. Yeah, I may not be the smartest person ever, but I know that I have some pretty intelligent thoughts going on in here.
And maybe that explains why I can never seem to say anything intelligent during English or whatever. I get kinda nervous, and therefore awkward. And then I feel dumb because other people don't and they can think on their feet and they aren't awkward around everyone or their boyfriend or their ex or their friends and they don't have random people thinking they're an idiot because they can't think of anything to say so they stand there with their arms crossed and a goofy smile plastered on their face so that they seem less awkward and and just get more nervous.

Run-on sentences are fun.

Oh modernism.

I have a feeling I don't know the whole story.

Shower

I finally got to wash my hair tonight. I hadn't been able to since Saturday on account of me getting it dyed, so it was all gross feeling. But now it feels amazing. I feel so clean.

I didn't go to tae kwon do tonight because I wasn't feeling well. So I tried to work on my costume for Acen, but the sewing machine broke, which sucks a lot. Like, really a lot.
I'm not so sure what I can do about it. And Acen is on Saturday, and I really need to get this thing done. I dunno...

A guy who liked me before started texting me again. Actually, he claims it was more than just like. I didn't really feel the same way though, because we had only met twice and I don't do the whole long-distance thing. But I always felt really bad because he's a really nice guy. But I really just don't feel that way about him.

I think love is dangerous. People seem to rush into it, which I think is stupid. It's too complicated a thing to just say "I love you" after a week, or after meeting someone only a few times.
People probably do that because they don't know what love is. I don't think I have any kind of right to psychoanalyze people, but that's my opinion.

I'm really excited for Acen.
I really wish I actually had some more money that I could spend there though. I really just...don't though. And anyway, I probably couldn't anyway since I'm such a tightwad. I really have a hard time spending more than like, 10 dollars at a time.

I really enjoy seeing people happy. But I really like talking to people when they're sad.
I think that's when you can really learn the most about a person.
And sometimes I think it helps to talk to someone who you know won't say a word.

I suddenly want to play one specific level in Super Mario Sunshine. I know it was one of the worst Mario games, but honestly they're all fun.

Outline

I know I should be doing my sentence outline. That was pretty much the main reason why I couldn't do much stuff today. But if I didn't get this done first I wouldn't be able to concentrate much.

It was so fun. Like, everything about it, even when I was a total idiot and started freaking out. I almost broke down the door. But then I came to my senses, gave up, and it actually worked out ok.

And then the dance was fun. Normally dances aren't that great, but I suppose it depends on who you're with. If you're gonna dance, you both have to be having fun, and when we were dancing I think we were having fun. I was. I enjoy being a total buzzkill and slow dancing to shitty fast songs. And then fast dancing to the slow ones. And competitions are fun.

But that wasn't dancing.

I'm also never doing helium again. Didn't even work, and made me feel like total crap. Suppose that says how my body reacts to stuff that fucks with your head (and lungs I guess). There's my official excuse on why I won't do pot.

I wish the pictures had meant more. Like, I wanted them to be so happy, something that I could look back on and remember all the hope and happiness that was supposed to be there. But all I'm gonna feel is how I kew what was coming. My family's just gonna think I'm a total failure about all this stuff. And I don't even wanna say this cus I don't want to make anyone feel guilty or weird or anything. But they all think he's great. "Oh, he treats you so great, and you seem just so happy now." And it's so true. I've been more talkitive, in a generally better mood, and more like me around my FAMILY. That never happens.

It's funny how inspiration works.

I could post my causal paper here. It would be a great source to cite to help proove my point.
I wish I had something to fight for. I wish I didn't know she had the upper hand and that I know I would just flat out lose. Then maybe I would at least think I have a chance, and a reason to try. Sometimes I wish I weren't as perceptive as I am. That I didn't have the strong logic thing going on in my head. I know how I pride myself on that, that I have what I consider to be basic reasoning skills. But if I didn't then maybe I would be more inspired. A few days ago I was. I thought I had to fight.

But I know what's coming.
And I know there's no way to change it.
If only, if only.

I could leave it on a cliffhanger, but I don't want to. I want to say everything.
What if I hadn't been "la segunda?"
What if I hadn't been second?
What if I had lacked the decency to go right after him back in August or whenever it was? Like I had this time. Look how that's turning out.
But if I had last time, then this wouldn't have happened. I would have been the one who would be in her place. The one who just made him happy because I loved him and he loved me. How great would that be? My life would be complete.

At the same time though, right now I feel bad for thinking all of this. I knew EXACTLY what I was getting myself into when I started all of this pain for them. So why am I surprised? I suppose I'm not really. Though, I guess the fact that I knew it was all coming doesn't mean it has to make me feel any better. I guess I would say that's pretty legitimate.

But it was all so fun. I wish that he could actually see that. I know we could have fun like that afterwards too. Not everything has to be physical. (though I know that that's there) I could live just being friends. I got my turn. We should all get a turn at being happy at some point. If other people's turns are a little longer, well, that's just the way it goes sometimes. Not always fair, cus it's all just luck or design. but it's ok. That's just the way life is. There are some things you just can't change.

Today was fun too. I like the Pancake House.
But then we talked about stuff.
And then he felt sick.
And then he left.
He was going to be late to her,
and then leave to see X-Men.

My fault.

"A life without pain is a longingless chain of errors repeated again and again"

Thanks Pain

Time

I seem to be losing track of time.

Everything just comes so very fast now, but it all seems to happen at such a slow pace. How is this even possible? I'm actually awake most of the day, so that can't really be it. Perhaps it's because I consider my day over after 3rd period. I have so many fun classes in a row after that, that it just all kind of melds together. One might think that having English 9th would damper the day for me, but it really doesn't. Yeah, that class is intimidating, and the workload is enormous, but it's just so damn fufilling.

That's why I'm writing these posts. I can't wait to blog nowadays. It's all Faulkner's fault. Everything just makes so much sense and yet none at all, all at the same time.

I love the Oxford English Dictionary. I love that the password and the username are the same. I just looked up damper and enormous, to make sure I was using/spelling them correctly(respectively). And I learned something from it. Not that I cared that much how to spell enormous, but I learned how it first was used. " Deviating from ordinary rule or type; abnormal, unusual, extraordinary, unfettered by rules; hence, mostly in bad sense, strikingly irregular, monstrous, shocking."

How enormous.

How does stuff like that happen? How do we deviate from the ordinary rule or type? How did this word, enormous, go from meaning what it did back then, in the 1500's (thanks again OED), to what it means now. Abnormal to big is a pretty big leap. I suppose it's fate. I suppose it's weird.

Think about that.

I like cliffhangers.

Spider solitaire

I've become addicted to Spider solitaire once again.

All I do when I wanna procrastinate anymore is play Spider. It's awful, because I end up restarting the game a half million times before I actually ever finish a game (let alone get past the first deal).

I should have done more homework, but I'm too braindead right now.

I had a dress rehersal for band/chorus from 5:15 til about 9. It kinda sucked. I wish my chorus could actually sing sometimes.

Today was a strange day. I got lucky with some stuff, but I'm not so sure how much I deserve it. I am definitely happy about it, and don't want it to change, but still. Even though it makes sense, I still feel guilty. I don't wanna make anybody sad.

It was really surprising to me how true the statement that I said before was. That I was getting used to having happiness taken away from me once I got a taste of it. I'm sure it's gonna happen again someday because that's just how things work out. But I realized how I had been dealing with shit. That was right after school. I was walking through the hallway away from my locker, a place where I sometimes have some kind of profound, depressing, excited, hurried, something kind of thought.

I really like stream of consciousness writing, especially if it's done well. Like Faulkner. He's one damn genius.

Though I felt pretty dumb when I found out that I was the only one in class who handn't realized she was pregnant.
I wish I had done that journal.
Now I probably won't get into college.

Up until maybe 5:30, the high point in my day had been figuring out how to make a working, moving walk cycle in my animation class. Nobody else had thought of that (at least not in the class) and my teacher thought it was really cool. So did I.
It made all of those wasted days actually mean something.

I will never drink Dr. Pepper at 8:30 in the morning again. I needed some caffeine, and I was thirsty. But it made me feel so sick. And it gave me a headache that I still have. Heartburn too.
I should carry tums around at school.

This was the most random post ever.

I don't know what's going on in my head anymore.

I really hate irrationality.

La segunda

Soy la segunda.
Nadie quiere la segunda.
Espero que alguien quise la segunda, pero no esta possible.

Y esta bien.

Por que esta en Espanol?
Porque me encanta la lengua.
Porque las personas que lee este no entienda este lengua,
como la segunda.
Porque si alguien le importa suficiente, puede traducirla, o preguntarme.

Trate de hacer todo que puedo. Quiero que trabaje. No estoy seguro de calquiera. Pero, pienso que el no va a ser mio.

Porque yo soy la segunda.

La segunda es importante,
pero todavía es la segunda.
No Primera.

Wishlist

I wish nothing were as complicated as it is.
I wish my bike weren't broken.
I wish that we still had ice cream.
I wish I had gotten some of it.
I wish I didn't have a whole lot of homework to do.
I wish I had some new notifications on facebook.
I wish that my dad wouldn't come home.
I wish I were better at talking.
I wish I didn't always deny myself.
I wish I denied myself more.
I wish that I could play the bass better.
Espero que no haya la segunda por siempre.
I wish I were actually a good writer.
I wish I could draw.
I wish I could go shopping and actually buy something.
I wish I had less to wish for.
I wish that I were a better friend.
I wish I could find some good music.
I wish I could write some good music.
I wish I had a talent.
I wish she were happy.
I wish I could see Sarah.
I wish I could find my ankh earrings.
I wish I could sing.
I wish he were happy.
I wish there were somewhere to go.
I wish nobody would find me.
I wish somebody would find me.
I wish I could actually say what I've felt for so long.
I wish I were still the only one who had my licence.
I wish I were special in some kind of way.
I wish I were prettier.
I wish I weren't so fucked up.
I wish I could speak Japanese.
I wish I could drive and not stop driving.
I wish my house were powered by wind power.
I wish I had inspiration.
I wish I were honest.
I wish I weren't repetitive and boring.
I wish that he wouldn't see this and be worried.
I wish he wouldn't think it were his fault.
I wish it weren't mine.

Reflection

I am so terrible at writing reflections.

Most of it starts because I can never find any kind of idea for an introduction. I'm a big fan of the whole, one sentence then jump right in kinda thing. Why stall to get to the heart of the argument, right?

But I know this isn't necessairly the right way to go. An introduction is something completely necessary. It gives a nod to the rest of the paper, while still keeping enough mystery for the reader...
Bullshit.

I don't give a shit about that. I've learned so much in my English class this year, but this is just somethign that I can not do. I don't care about introductions, so why should I put them in a reflection?

If I could only skip the introduction I would probably be done with this stupid thing by now. I know I should just skip the damn thing and come back to it later, but then I can't come up with anything else.

I also don't like reflecting on myself, and writing it out. Ironic, right? Well, I suppose that's kinda been what I've been reaching for this entire year. To be able to just let loose and speak my mind. Well, I just don't work that way. And it really sucks. I want to be able to talk. I want to be able to just say whatever the hell comes to my mead. And things have been getting better, but it still seems to just get some kind of...roadblock after a while. And I know exactly why. It's because of my low as hell self-esteem. I've been censoring myself for probably three years now, and I want to stop. It was only recently that I figured this all out, and I've been trying my hardest to stop it. But it's just not coming as easily as I would have hoped.

It's getting better around people that I'm comfortable with. And I've always still been there around the right people. But I want to sound intelligent or...whatever around certain people. I want to impress them, and to not say something stupid or awkward, which just makes my personality, which is supposed to be silly and fun sound awkward whenever it actually comes out.

They saw it the other day. The true taste appeared for them. I only wish I could always make it work.

Muzak

I think my life should have a soundtrack. There are definitely some very specific songs that I can pick out for moments or eras in my life. Some that come to mind that were kinda much more relevant over a month or so ago are "I'm not that Girl" and "Nothing came out". I'm not so sure what the one that would fit now is...

I've been listening to Pain almost constantly lately. Both albums. Like, every night.
I always liked them, but it's only recently that I realized just how damn great their music is. Like, it's really well orchestrated and stuff.
I'm a geek.

I wish that things had been better this weekend. I made so many mistakes. Today was fun though.

I can't stop thinking of this one time when I was at a friend's house and her bunnies had sex. They wouldn't stop twitching.

I don't like how jealous I get. No, better yet, I hate it. I know it's there, and I can rationalize it away kinda. But only kinda. I'm good at hiding it, but the Id likes to take over sometimes. At least my mind.

I wish that I didn't get nervous at the most inopportune times. I have the worst time coming up with things to say. I always need to think things out and write them down for anything to be at all coherent. I can do shows and stuff no problem, but that's because I already know the music. But when it comes to speaking or anything that requires quick thought I just freeze.

I also wish I could just turn off my mind sometimes.

Some people can. Why not me?

(Great line- "Even superheroes once were losers." thanks, Pain)

Mistakes

I made a mistake today

Everything was going so well...Everyone was happy, things were seemingly looking up.
They had been lately.

But I made everybody wait. I'm tired of making everybody wait. Especially since I know how hard it is to have to wait. And I know who's gonna see this. And I know they don't want me to say sorry anymore,

but guess what?

IT'S MY FUCKING FAULT

If anybody is ever upset, I know it's my fault. And believe me, I feel the damn guilt. I feel guilty all the fucking time (especially when I say fuck half a million times).

I'm gonna regret posting this, and I know it. But I don't care. I want it to be more personal, but it can't be. I'm just so tired of seeing people sad because of me. Because of what I've done.
I don't even care if it's not my fault anymore. I just don't want my friends, or anybody (especially somebody) to be sad. Ever.

I could take the hit for them.

Just try and find me

Yeah, I've already posted and deleted.

Nobody needs to find that other post. That was just me being a freak

I'm not really sure why I do that kind of thing. I'll write something risky, something that I'm dying for someone to find, but at the same time hope nobody ever sees it. Maybe the risk is why I do it. It's some kind of chance that I'm taking, because I don't take many real chances in life.

That needs to be fixed.

Hitting rock bottom is always a good thing. Then you know which way is up. If you're always just sinking, you can't tell if you're swimming up or down. Not if the water is cloudy and dark.

That was fucking poetic! Yeah!